Um… Happy Holidays? 5 Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them
This year we have an even more tense Holiday Season in the offing, with the election behind us and a new administration coming in January, the conversations around the holiday dinner table might be difficult to navigate. During family holiday gatherings, a mix of personalities and dynamics can sometimes lead to challenging interactions. Being aware of these common behaviors can help you navigate these situations more effectively:
Gaslighting: This is a psychological tactic where someone tries to make you question your own memory, perception, or sanity. For example, a relative might insist that an event didn’t happen when you clearly remember it did, attempting to undermine your confidence in your own experiences. It's important to trust your own reality and, if necessary, remove yourself from conversations where this occurs.
Backhanded Compliments: These are remarks that initially seem flattering but contain a critical or insulting undertone. An example could be a family member saying, “You look great for your age,” implying that looking good is unexpected at your age. Recognizing these as subtle digs rather than true compliments can help you respond appropriately or choose to not engage with the negativity.
Pushing Your Buttons: Some family members might intentionally provoke you by bringing up sensitive topics or past grievances. They know your vulnerabilities and may exploit them to elicit a reaction. Being aware of this can help you prepare to stay calm, avoid engaging in unproductive arguments, or set clear boundaries about what topics are off-limits. In many households politics is (or should be) at the top of that list!
Boundary Blindness: This refers to the disregard of your personal boundaries, whether emotional or physical. A relative might pry into your private life or insist on physical affection despite your discomfort. It's crucial to assert your boundaries clearly and firmly, reminding others that respect for personal space and privacy is non-negotiable.
Triangulation: This occurs when a third party is brought into a two-person conflict, often to diffuse responsibility or gain an ally. For instance, a parent might complain to you about your sibling instead of addressing the issue directly with them. It’s healthier to encourage direct communication between the involved parties and avoid being drawn into such triangulation.
These behaviors frequently emerge in settings where stress levels are high, especially during family gatherings where individuals are reunited with relatives they might not regularly see or actively choose to avoid. Additionally, factors like hunger — often humorously referred to as being 'hangry' — fatigue from travel, and the residual effects of extended social isolation due to COVID-19 (Yes, we are still recovering from that) can exacerbate tensions. This backdrop of physical and emotional strain, coupled with the unfamiliarity and discomfort in social interactions post-isolation, can contribute to a heightened sense of awkwardness and insecurity, triggering such behaviors.
Navigating the situation requires a blend of self-awareness, clear communication, and boundary setting. Remember, it’s often beneficial to approach these situations with empathy and a desire to understand, but also to protect your own emotional well-being. If you find that these types of gatherings bring up more anxiety than you would like, you may also consider seeking out a therapist to help you untangle yourself from family expectations, pressures and dysfunctions for your own peace of mind. Good luck out there people!
