The Unexpected Dis-invitation: Navigating Intersectional Boundaries

I was recently encouraged by a member of the board, to submit a proposal to speak at a conference dedicated to "Elder Lesbians," an invitation I wholeheartedly accepted with excitement and honor. These opportunities not only allow me to share my expertise but also to listen and learn from those who have been on the front-lines of history, making a path for future generations.

Eager to contribute, I proposed to delve into coping tools for various issues as outlined in Dr. Julie Smith's insightful book, "Why Has No One Told Me This Before?" I had hoped to shed light on the profound ways we can manage and navigate through anxiety and depression, especially in the context of intimate relationships

However, a surprising turn of events led to my dis-invitation from the conference. The reason wasn't due to any concerns about the content of my proposed presentation. Instead, it was linked to a section on my professional website that states I specialize in working with ethically non-monogamous and kinky people . Specifically I say “I support people in every flavor of intimacy!” And I do. I stand by that. I just never expected it to be thrown back in my face, (Slut shamed?), by an group of lesbians, yet! (Yes, I’m still a little salty!)

I want to share this experience with you, not to point fingers or garner sympathy, (Although I’m open to sympathy, this rejection was harsh and really stung, giving me new insight into the pitfalls my non-monogamous and kinky clients may face if they publicly disclose their relationship details!) but to open a dialogue about the intersections of identity and the prejudices that can still reside within communities that have themselves faced discrimination.

Understanding the Backdrop

The lesbian community, particularly those of an older generation, has faced its fair share of discrimination. This history is rife with stories of bravery, battles against oppression, and a continuous quest for acceptance and love. That's why it was initially such a privilege to be invited to their space, to be a part of their story.

However, the rescinding of the invitation due to my association with the ethically non-monogamous, and kinky community highlighted an irony. A marginalized community sidelining another based on preconceived notions and misunderstandings.

Ethically Non-Monogamous and Kinky: Breaking Down Stereotypes

Ethical non-monogamy is a relationship structure where individuals have consensual, open relationships with more than one partner. It’s founded on principles of trust, communication, and mutual respect. But, much like the LGBTQ+ community in its early days (and sometimes even now), it is often mischaracterized by myths, stigmas, and misunderstandings. This is true for kink as well. One of the best relationship communication workshops I’ve ever attended was developed by a BDSM community in the Pacific Northwest. It’s easy to imagine why communication would be so important to a group that often plays with power dynamics. Embracing diversity can lead to learning and growth.

The implication seems to be that my professional association with ethical non-monogamy and kinky folks makes me less suited or less relevant to speak to a lesbian audience. But isn't the essence of our shared experience the quest for understanding and acceptance of love in all its forms?

Historically, the world of kink/BDSM and ethical non-monogamy have been marginalized. The stigmatization has forced many to repress their interests, identities, or lifestyles. My mission has always been to create safe spaces for these individuals to explore, understand, and embrace their unique journeys.

This experience underscored the importance of broadening our discussions around love, relationships, mental health, and societal acceptance. Dr. Julie Smith's book is a beacon in this regard, guiding many towards better self-awareness and relationship health. We should aspire to make these tools and insights accessible to all, regardless of individual life choices or affiliations.

Finding Unity in Diversity

Perhaps the most important lesson here is about the unity of purpose. Just as we, as a collective LGBTQ+ community, strive for acceptance and understanding, so too should we champion the acceptance and understanding of others within our own ranks. By standing together, recognizing the value in each individual’s unique experience, we can forge stronger, more inclusive communities.

Intersectionality in Practice

It's essential to recognize that we don't have just one identity. We are not merely our gender, our sexual orientation, our professional calling, or our personal interests. We are an amalgamation of countless intersections, each shaping our experiences and views.

Being an advocate for the ethically non-monogamous and kink/BDSM community doesn’t diminish my ability to speak on topics related to "Elder Lesbians." In fact, the diversity of experiences and identities I've engaged with enriches my perspectives.

Looking Forward: Embracing Diversity of Experience

While I am disappointed with the outcome, I view this experience as an opportunity for reflection and growth. It has spurred me to be even more committed to promoting understanding and acceptance across diverse communities. Our strength lies not in homogenizing our experiences but in celebrating the vast tapestry of love, relationships, and identities that make up our world. I will continue to advocate for ethically non-monogamous and kinky people, for lesbians, for every group that seeks to be understood and accepted for who they are.

To the conference organizers and similar entities, I ask for consideration. Recognize the potential value that diverse experts, even from seemingly unrelated fields, can bring. Embrace the intersectionality of life experiences, as this is where true learning and growth lie.

And to those who feel that their diverse identities might be barriers: never let a single aspect of who you are define or limit the entirety of what you can offer. Every experience, every specialty, and every intersection is a testament to the rich tapestry of life you've woven. Celebrate it, and seek out spaces that will celebrate it with you.