What Sex Therapists Wish You Knew
This article from The New York Times provides a look into the common issues and misconceptions that many people bring into sex therapy. As a sex therapist,I see these issues in my therapy room often and I find the insights shared by the experts to be not only accurate but also critical for anyone seeking to improve their sexual well-being.
One of the key takeaways is the idea that “comparison is the thief of sexual joy.” This is something I encounter frequently in my practice. Clients often feel pressured by societal norms or media portrayals of sexuality, leading them to question the validity of their own sexual experiences. It’s important to emphasize that there is no “normal” when it comes to sex; what matters most is that partners are satisfied and connected, regardless of how often they engage in sexual activity.
The article also highlights the importance of redefining what “sex” means. Moving away from a narrow, goal-oriented view of sex and embracing a broader, more exploratory understanding can help individuals and couples enjoy richer, more fulfilling sexual experiences. This is particularly relevant for those who feel stuck or dissatisfied with their sex lives, as it encourages them to focus on the journey rather than just the destination.
The concept of responsive desire, as discussed, is another crucial point. Many people, especially those in long-term relationships, may not experience spontaneous desire but can still have a healthy and satisfying sex life through responsive desire. Understanding that this is normal can alleviate a lot of anxiety and improve communication between partners.
The article also rightly emphasizes the role of the clitoris in female pleasure and challenges the traditional focus on penetrative sex. This is an important aspect of addressing the “pleasure gap” that exists in many heterosexual relationships.
Finally, the suggestion to focus on scheduling intimacy rather than sex itself is a practical approach that can reduce pressure and make sexual experiences more enjoyable and organic.
Overall, the article offers valuable advice that aligns well with the principles of sex therapy. It encourages a more mindful, individualized approach to sex, one that prioritizes connection, pleasure, and communication over rigid expectations and societal standards.
I often find myself saying that sexual intimacy is a holistic experience, experienced by the whole body! One must be in their body then, rather than in their head, to experience sexual intimacy holistically. It is important to come together putting aside the day to day worries, resentments, grocery lists and media representation of what sex “should” look like to be present with one another; to be in the moment and experience the intimacy of the moment.
